jeccabecca7 , 23

The astros lost last night in extra innings…if its going to go to extra innings they need to at least win. Noope not the Astros.

Today I was skype’ing with my cousin & the marine boy (his names shawn..thatll be a lot easier) and shawn decided since the Astros lost last night and they had a day game today we should go. So about 15 minutes later he was here to pick me up & we went to the game. It was amazing! They actually won! All because of lance berkman though…he had 2 homeruns and 4 RBI’s. he got his 1000th rbi today so know hes at 1003!!

Ive been good about not talking to Nathan and not answering his calls and text…I don’t know it just seems easier to get over it all and eventually move on without talking to him all the time. It might be a little mean but its something I kinda need to do for myself. His mom sent me an email bitching though that im just going to make him worse. Sorry but her son an ass to me and I couldn’t deal with it anymore.

Its finally raining here! It hasn’t rained in like 23 days I think the news said. So I didn’t get into the school I wanted, they were already full for transfers. But its ok, ill try in the spring I wasn’t in a huge hurry. Back to studying history, test is tomorrow…not looking forward to it, although I did get a 92 on my mid term yesterday and I’m in the middle of writing a 10 point extra credit essay for my mid term which will be a 102…yeaaah! My average in there is a 95 right now so ill take it!

after the shit nathan pulled last night we are defintely over.

i went to see transformers 2 at midnight with like 4 girls and 3 boys. whatever its not like dates or anything. one of the boys with us is in the marines and is here on pre deployment leave and is the one person ive ever really gone on a date with other than nathan, we were completely broken up then though it was back in high school. but i wasnt goig to lie that he was there and nathan freaked out screaming yelling that apparently ive been cheating on him with this other guy and blah blah blah. ummmm no. and i will not be called a little hoe. yeah that doesn't fly with me. ive been friends with this boy since jr high im not just cutting him out of my life (the marine, not nathan) and hes always been there for me, and to have cheated on nathan with him is impossible since hes stationed in NC and hasnt been here in close to a year. seriously. nathan never had a problem with me and him talking/texting/instant messaging before and hanging out. whatever im not putting up with his hsit anymore. all our status say single now and i think im ok with that.

today was my mid term. it wasnt too bad friday i hae a history test. then its girls night (well plus one boy - the marine) again friday & saturday! yaaay! id be soo lost right now without the girls.

im still waiting to hear about school and transferring....and im really nervous and they are taking their time telling me. its getting frustrating.

well, i better get back to history now & i need to get ready for the astros game tonight!

summer school pretty much sucks. ive been studying for my mid term tomorrow forever. well i took a break earlier & went shopping with the best friend & out for lunch and all that, thankfully my test is at 10:30 tomorrow morning and this test is over. but i have a 10 page paper over a movie dur the 30th and a another test for my other class by fri. sometimes i really wish i didnt do summer school.

since everything with nathan is downhill, im most likely transferring to a different university where my best girl-friend goes & getting an apartment with her and all that instead of hanging around home and the school here waiting to know about where he was going to be & if id go with him.

girls night sat was ammmazing! besides nathan being an ass and trying to ruin it but whatever he was easily ignored. wahtever hes out partying being stupid in germany so i can do my thing here.

speaking of him though, things are definitely not good between us. hes going out with his friends, im going out with mine. i know i havent done anything with another guy besides dance or whatever but who knows with him. we barely talk anymore. i dont know what it is anymore. our facebook status is "its complicated" and yeah that was a killler to have to see that one although both myspaces still say in a relationship. honestly i have no clue and i dont have any idea what i want. he really hurt me this time around & im always waiting for him to see where the army sends him next and when the army says we can see each other. its frustrating and its been like this for a couple years but wee managed to do pretty good. i talked to his mom and she thinks he has like serious PTSD he blew up a couple times over there with his family and thats not like him at all. like she was saying him & his brother were playing LEGO batman on the xbox and his brother accidently pushed him over the cliff or whatever and nathan went crazy on him and just other stuff like that. he freaked out on his 80 year old grandma. yeah thats not the boy i fell in love with and as much as he doesnt want to admit it, the war & iraq really took a toll on him & he needs to do something about it. when we talk he always starts screaming about something, usually something extremely tiny. as much as i love him i cant deal with that behavior. i just really wish hed do something about his PTSD but his mom said hes thinks if he does then theyll postpone his Afghanistan deployment until he can mentally take it and apparently his really looking forward to that in 6 months. i just want my old nathan back he was amazing. i think thats why part of me hasnt given up yet so i can have him back because this isnt him but i cant take his behavior. even if its ptsd, i cant be in any sort of abusive relationship even if its verbal/emotional.

i better get back to studying & doing laundry. sorry its just one huge vent.

so my boyfriend should have been here last night. but nope...hes in germany. with his friends that he parties with ever day while hes there. why he felt the need to go 2 weeks early i dont know. all i know is that im still rather annoyed with him for not coming here and pretty hurt.

at this point im not quite sure that we are even together. we have completely different views on stuff these days and we've been arguing constantly. its just hard to throw away pretty much 5 years. i think weve come to the conclusion now that we're taking a little break but now the kinda break that you go and date other people and all that. i dont know..it doesnt make a whole lot of sense. i thought about taking the ring off but i dont know..it makes it that much more real. thank god for my close friends right now or i wouldnt be sane at this point.

its the weekend though! i have to go visit my granny since she just came back from los angeles and take my puppy to get a hair cut. then its girls night tonight and we have some amazing plans.

thats all i got. its been an upsetting emotional few days...ill try to make it more interesting tomorrow.

Yesterday ended up being an amazing night! Our meal was delicious! One of my best friends came over and ate dinner with us then we wanted to go shopping. We didn’t put it together that it was 7 on a Sunday so the malls were closed. Then we thought about a movie, then rejected that idea. We ended up going to Target to look around and all that and ended up leaving with a 6 pack of bud light lime, 6 pack of bud light, 6 pack of smiranoff apple or whatever, and 4 of the pint bottles of the triple black smiranoff. Yeah we looked like alcoholics. And we ended up with some fun drunk toys & games. And all we wanted to do was shop and ended up drinking. Ha ha. We went over to her boyfriend & his roommates house and set up our night there. Our parents get cranky with us when were drunk since we are extremely giggly and rather loud. We got pretty drunk and that leads us to the munchies but its only ever for mcdonalds fries so we kept getting greg (her boyfriends roommate) to take us there since he wasn’t drinking. Yeah needless to say, its been a rough day with the monster with a massive hangover and im sooooo sleepy since I think we went to bed at about 4 and I had to be here by 8.

As great as a night as it was, lovely Nathan kept interjecting it and bitching and being a butt. Our problems are still really unresolved. I ended up turning my phone off so I wouldn’t have to deal with it last night, it was my night he had plenty of them in germany and not once did I complain to him.

So that countdown to when hed be down here…its gone. Hes not coming. I was informed that instead he thinks he would rather fly back to germany and hang out there and go a couple places. Ummm…..WTF? we’ve had this planned forever. Besides that little 5 hours in AN AIRPORT its been almost 2 years since weve spent any time together. But he suggests I just tag along with them….no thanks. For one I cant pick up my life and go across the world for like 3 days. I have school FULLTIME right now and work. I will be off next week but between flights and stuff I would barely be there. And im not spending all that money, and I have 2 mid terms next week. So hes pissy with me because I wont pick up my life and go over there. Yet its been planned he was coming here on FRIDAY. I understand wanting to have fun, but serisouly. Its our 5 year (fake one anyway since hell be in germany for the real one), and its been so long, we haven’t had any alone time and everything. This is the shit he did for his R&R and not ONCE did I bitch. I figured hey hes fighting in Iraq let him have a little vacation even though it was a little upsetting but whatever. I didn’t say shit. But this time im PISSED. And he informs me that hes getting promoted again. It would be great news, but with his promotion he decided to sign for another 4 years. That makes 7 left. It was 3. And with this, he is changing units (his choice) to stay in germany. When he would be here 3 hours away from me in September for a year. Nope not now. Itll be germany. And since he volounteered to go to Afghanistan early hell be leaving germany in about 4 months to go over there for a year and a half. What happened to close for a yaer and then Afghanistan? That was a nice little bomb he dropped on me, the same time as his leaving for germany Thursday. There were a lot of tears. I also found out that night that he doesn’t really have much interest in getting married until hes out of the army. And at this rate hell be in there for career the way hes signing. Sorry but I don’t want to be 40 and getting married to the boy ive been with since I was 15. That’s 25 years of dating. Theres no way. Then to have kids..not happening that late in life. And he knows this. So his suggestion, just follow him everywhere he goes in the army…just not married…just with a stupid “promise ring” or 3 of them! that’s hard to do with his military since I wont be on orders and all that I wont even be acknowledged by the army.

Honestly, I don’t know how much more our relationship will last with this. Lately we have very different views on everything and we’re fighting & arguing like crazy. Why kind of relationship can go almost 2 years and only spend 5 hours together…not one person I know has. I don’t know anymore. When we talk it usually ends up yelling, arguing, tears, and everything. We never had these problems before Iraq. Part of me believes its PTSD and to hang in there hell get better. But that makes me nervous if he doesn’t and weve invested so much time and energy together. Who know. Right now its going hour by hour. But its almost 4 and we haven’t said one word to each other today.

This turned long again. Whoops. I can at least end it with some pictures from last night, unfortunately, theres not many since I lost my camera sometime during the night and didn’t find it until the morning. I think they are smaller now too.

In Kroger an another beer run! We ended up with 2 coronas, more bud light, and limes. And for last night we noticed that corona smells a lot like skunk. And I didn’t start the night with a robe. I took it from my friends boyfriend’s roommate. But we were cold & drunk so I ended up with it still on at Kroger and she was in PJ pants.

French fry run!

I have no clue where we got these. They were like the gel face mask things that can be refrigerated or whatever.