stuckonstupid , 23

cory

mychael

michael e

jared

clark

nick

guy from vegas

other guy from vegas

otter

blaine

austin

branden

ben h

guy from sd

riley

brandon was a bust. as much as part of him i really liked, other parts really aren't things i should compromise. that's how people get in bad relationships.

1. be able to have God here for me.

2. grad school!

3. attitude. no more sulking in my bed, no more thinking stupid thoughts or regrets

4. make the best of each moment. live live live!

5. if i want something, i have to make it happen.

6. when i struggle with any of the above, take a deep breath and refocus.

7. okay got it got it good.

okay. so to be real, i'm nervous to write this blog. maybe because i don't want to move too fast inm y own head by recording these moments? but you know what? instead of me not writing it in anticipation of the future, how about we celebrate the past? i had a great saturdy night a week ago.

so i went to rey's friend's bday party with him and kuyandrew. i aws supposed to go out with reena and erika but things didn't work out..so i go out with two guys. again. we get there and i feel super awkward so i just keep drinking because we had an all you can drink wristband. got a pretty good buzz after a couple of sex on the beaches and lemon drops. there were a couple of cute guys htere..saw this one guy but he seemed douchey. but after i was buzzed enough i saw him eating a chicken wing and went up to him and asked him if it was good, and he dared me to eat one and feed him one and i ate the rest of it. then as i walked away i told him to find me on the dance floor. and i don't know how or when, but he did. we started dancing. we were dancing and flowing pretty well and i asked him if he had a girlfiend..somehow from then we were talking and dancing, i remember asking him if he was single, gay, and how old he was. we guessed eahc others' ages and he was like..would you believe that i'm 48 or some random number like that. haa. and then i asked him to tell me something random about himself and he said he like to watch its always sunny in philadelphia and i tried to guess who was the main character. jason bateman. and then. i remember we kissed. it was.. i felt like kind of an intense kissed. when we ended he kind of backed off and i asked if he was okay and he said it was kind of hot so we went outsidee, and i saw kuyandrew and rey smoking so they introduced each other and i was over being outside so we went back inside..and it was cute, on our way in, rey  told him to take care of me :) haha. and i was leading the way inside and i think i walked into an employee only area and then i found a storage room and walked in and he followed me in..and i remmeber him locking the door and then walking up to me and grabbing my face and kissing me..and then  iremember i was backed against hte wall and hten he picked me up and put my legs around him and we kissed a lot..and then i felt him start to go a little further and after a little bit i stopped him and told him that i actually am interested in seeing him after and i dont usually find someon that i can click with in this way, and he agreed, and so i said if he was planning on calling me after that i want to slow down. and he said yeah i actually am interested in seeing yo uafter this..and i think i made him pinky promise and then we just started kissing again..and then we hear someone try to open the door so we hide in the corner and i remember him holding me closer as we kind of giggle and hten he tries to kiss me again..and i just kept trying to find my shoes. and then we get kicked out nad i pull him back into the dance floor and we're just laughing and he goes to his friend and tells him something and we're ust like well thats never happened to me before" haha. and then we keep dancing and i remember he was a good dancer..kept going back and forhth between front and back and he would hold my hands exactly how i liked it..it was just..perfect. and it was cute, i remember trying to get him away from my cousin because i told him my cousin was kind of protective, and he was like...yeah i know how it is i'm a cousin too.. and then when we exhcanged numbers he moved away and called me on his phone and i picked up and he said "see i told you i'd call you" haha.  and then we sat down for a little bit and said that he got tired dancing with me and i said i was surprised he kept up with me and he kept putting his hand on my thigh and we talked about work a little bit and i think that's all i remmeber until we said goodbye..the one thing i idn't like was hte lack of eye contact. but on the way home i ended up driving and he texted me. and we texted throughout the week and this last saturday night he was in vegas and he texted me :) sjherwynn thinks i'm in 'like'. i'm just..trying to go with it and see what happens. but. i think that was the first time i kissed someone and really felt something about it. i just keep thinking back about htat night and wonder how important that kind of chemistry is..i guess we'll see..

:)

okay. i know. this is really stupid and super ridiculous, but i just need to admit it. i have a problem. i have this obsession with getting into a reltaionship that it makes me feel very self destructive. my emotions get so out of control that i only wish that it's because i'mg etting my period soon, or else i'm being ane motional irrational wreck. and you know what, as much as i know i need help i can't or dont want to tell anyone about this because all i will hear form htem is 'it'll come when its supposed to happen' or 'omg i dont know why youre not in a relationship either it doesnt make sense' awejfpioaw. and you know what..how people always say it'll come when you least expect it..the thing that bothers me and makes me crazy is htat i always look for it. i always expect it. and i know myself and i can't trick myself into not looking for it or expecting it. it's impossible. i've tried. i don't know what to do. i can't handle it. i become short of breath. i just want to cry. and over something so stupid and stupid. just. stupid. how privileged am i to have everything htat i have. and yet i determine my life based on this? i realy don't know how to handle myself. i really feel like i need help. i just don't know what to do.

i really just..don't know what to do anymore. wait til my period comes so i'm not an emotional wreck anymore? is that it?

i just. give up.

wooh. so this past week i've been extremely busy with work and living. today i sat home once kuyandrew rey and dj left from when we hung out last night with k.marc and his friends. all i did was watch and catch up with drop dead diva, cleaned the bathroom and kitchen, and then now i'm watching ugly betty. i'm having momentary lapses about not having a boyfriend since i've been home alone basically all day but i'm literally taking deep breaths to make it pass by, which i'm pretty sure is helping. i do feel like reading but i'm not feeling how reading would be if it's going to be silent. don't likeit when it's quiet, which is why i'm watching ugly betty instead. sinans going for the weekend..makes me realize how dependant i am on him. did not do so well with talking to the parentals today. just tired na dont feel like talking. all i feel like doing is sleeping, really. but anyways. i shall go on with the rest of my life. and i'm not going to sleep early. i think sleeping before 12 ruins my sleeping schedule.  makes me an old lady tired. that's not something i want to do.

donezo. fo now.